Tag Archive: ruminations


Indubitably yours

A couple months ago, I found my creative writing groove that had been missing for a while. Ever since, I have been posting more than I had for some time. Posts both private and public. Photos edited and uploaded.

Then, all that creative momentum came to a crashing halt. That’s because my photo editing software was acting up. Adobe Photoshop Elements 8, you’re the defendant. How do you plead?

APE 8 includes an organizer and an editor. I had APE 4 on my old Windows XP computer and did a lot of work with it, and it worked well. APE 8 worked well on my new Windows 7 machine for a while. And then …

And then problems started. It started refusing to open the photo editor from its organizer. It just sat there and did nothing. Even after I uninstalled, cleaned out the traces and reinstalled. Same thing.

I went online, looking for a solution to my plight. After a while, I learned two things: 1. Adobe has posted an extremely long and complex series of steps that _may_ solve the problem. 2. I am hardly alone with my problems with APE 8.

Grrr. I had to do something to get things moving. And I did. Last week, I downloaded and started playing with a Windows version of GIMP, the open-source image editor. I had briefly tried GIMP before, a few years back. Now I had a lot more incentive: I needed something to edit a batch of Maggie pictures, with mini-vacation shots in line behind them.

Obviously, I was able to figure it out well enough. Not that I’m an expert or anything. GIMP is different, but different isn’t bad. I’m not afraid of learning new stuff.

Like it says at the top: Can an old dog learn some new tricks?

Oh, indubitably!

****

This is rodeo weekend here in town, and I’m going to be a busy cowpoke. Things have happened, so I am going to be covering more events than normal–mainly, taking pictures.

To recap, we only have three people who work on the news side of the newspaper. One of them is on limited hours. Then there’s me and the editor.

Last week, the editor’s mom died at the age of 97. She (the editor) usually covers some of the rodeo events, but that’s obviously not going to happen this year. Maybe you know how it works with a small staff. It’s sort of like a three-legged stool–when one leg goes out, the other two legs have to manage somehow. That’s the plan for the rodeo coverage, the biggest summer event here.

So I’m getting pictures at a country music concert Friday night, a road race the following morning and the rodeo performances on Saturday and Sunday afternoon, with the new rodeo queen on Sunday. Someone else will be getting the parade pictures, fortunately. We’ll manage. But it’s going to be busy. Like with a two-legged stool, it’s a balancing act.

****

I still have to write a report on the Wausau trip, plus photos. Many amusing ones, too. I’ll get to that once I have time. But there’s been too much interesting stuff to write about and not enough time to do it all justice.

Seems to me that’s how it happened last summer, too; a number of events and trips I went on that I duly documented but never posted. Too busy with the rush of other stuff. Time marched on. The stories and photos fell behind and never caught up.

Another reason: I have been spending more evenings with my wife, watching movies or old TV shows we both like (on DVDs) with her. Well, you see, it’s like this. First there were the Stanley Cup playoffs. They lasted about two months, every night, from early April to early June.

As soon as that ended, the World Cup started. Those games were in the morning and afternoon, but they had replays at night. Sometimes I watched them; not always.

Of course, I have been visiting close friends from time to time. I went to the poly camp with S and her GF. I’m planning to visit them again in early August–we plan to visit a nearby wildlife park/farm. I’ve visited N from time to time, too–about once every 4 to 6 weeks. We renewed acquaintances this week; she gave me some fresh blueberries, and my wife made blueberry pancakes on Thursday. Yum!

So I have been busy. But–except for the trips we have taken together–my wife hasn’t gone anywhere or done anything. She wasn’t able to visit her sisters this summer, as she did last year while I was at the poly camp. She hasn’t said a word about a bus tour this fall, like last September’s trip to Branson, Mo. When I asked, she said the tour company that arranged that trip hasn’t been advertising anything.

In May, we went to Oshkosh, Milwaukee, Madison and Beloit. In mid July, we went to Wausau and Marshfield. Last Saturday, we went on that tour of the old copper mine near Ontonagon. We also are planning a one-day trip northwest of Green Bay, where there is an Amish community. Next weekend (our anniversary, by the way; #39), we plan to head to Wisconsin Rapids for a special festival. And, of course, the never-ending series of trips to visit my mom in Iron Mountain.

I’m concerned about her and her happiness. She enjoys sitting and watching movies with me, so if that makes her happy, I’m happy. We had hoped to visit my son near Detroit this summer, but that’s obviously not going to happen. July was a busy month, and August will be just as busy. No chance to take four or five days off for a vacation. And after that, fall sports start.

Lately, a certain topic has been brewing just under the surface between us. She hinted about it the other night when we were talking. She had told me that my older son and his girlfriend are planning a visit to the Rock Hall of Fame in Cleveland, and I said I’d like to go there someday. She said something about us maybe going there “when you’re not so busy.”

In other words, when I start cutting back on work. When I can ease off on responsibilities at the office and with the cable office, giving me more freedom to go places. Not like a one-day trip or two-day trip to see friends. A time when we can take a real trip together.

Don’t know yet. I’m 60 now. For people born in 1949 in the States, the retirement age is 66 to get full Social Security–otherwise, your benefits get scaled back. But still … would it be worth it? Or should I hold on till December 2015? In a perfect world, I could cut back on hours a bit in a couple years. I still enjoy the work. I just don’t enjoy all the hours. But is that a realistic thought? We have so few people to do the work the way it is.

Sometimes when I can’t sleep at night, that’s what is going through my mind. When?

It’s a long, long journey

Last year at this time, B and I were talking excitedly about our imminent first encounter and our trip to the poly camp in southern Wisconsin. In our e-mails back and forth, we had been counting down–the count started when we were in triple digits. Exactly one year ago, it was down to a single digit.

Today, for this year’s camp, the countdown has reached 4.

Outside of a quick trip to visit my mom late Saturday afternoon and finishing up a feature story, my main focus this weekend was packing for the trip to this year’s poly camp. I’m planning to hit the road fairly early on Thursday morning; early enough, I hope, to drive about four hours to Oshkosh, pick up S and her GF and then drive another three hours to the event. The driver will probably feel quite weary by then, even before unloading everything from the car and setting up the tent and campsite.

For now, all I can do is get ready. During my trip to Ironwood Tuesday (which included a visit with N), I invested in a backpack (which I will use in place of the larger duffel bag I used last year) and a new supply of condoms (for obvious reasons). During Saturday’s trip, I bought two small LED flashlights (with batteries), four alkaline “D” batteries (for the air mattress) and a second solar shower. We should be OK on flashlights–I think I have four now.

Flashlight overkill is a good idea because we may be roaming around at night in a very dark area, trying to find our way here and there (such as to and from the porta potties). If it’s dark out and clear, star-gazing can be a great deal of fun. Let’s check the moon’s phases. The calendar says the full moon was Saturday, and the last quarter is July 4th. That’s all I could find out at home last night because the internet had gone out.
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Blues Brothers off black list

Well, isn’t that nice?

Thirty years after the movie made its debut, L’Osservatore Romano, the official Vatican newspaper, has given its official stamp of approval on one of my all-time favorite movies: “The Blues Brothers.”

The flick that starred Dan Ackroyd and the late John Belushi has been named on a list of “Catholic Classics,” along with some more predictable entries. It’s a nice switch in perspective. Time can do that.

Back in 1980, the old Legion of Decency in the U.S. gave the film an “adults only” rating. “The plot is interspersed with scenes of wholesale destruction and frenzied chases which are spectacularly unfunny and uninvolving,” said their original review. “Some good musical portions from Cab Calloway and Ray Charles, but not enough depth from director John Landis to save this zany comedy from milking cheap laughs from rough language and crude situations.”

Wholesale destruction? Check. Frenzied chases? Check. Good music? You betcha. Cheap laughs? I suppose. Rough language? If you say so. Crude situations? Yeah, OK.

I’ve loved the movie from when I first saw it way long ago, and who cares what some humorless Catholic bigwigs say. It was just fun. At that time, I wasn’t into blues music–mostly guitar rock and ’60s music and psychedelia. “The Blues Brothers” opened me to a whole new universe, populated by John Lee Hooker and Ray Charles and James Brown and Aretha Franklin and the magnificent Cab Calloway.

With that kind of foothold, I explored further into blues and pop music from past generations. There was much to learn, and I’m still learning it. Today, my iPod has music of many different styles and genres and ages. It’s all good. It’s all wonderful. “The Blues Brothers” helped open me to that world, and I’m terribly grateful.

As for the Legion of Decency (now known as the Office of Film and Broadcasting) … It must be terribly difficult to be so terribly “decent” all the time. To know that the moral fiber of the world hangs on every word you say. To know that if it weren’t for you, people would be exposed to such morally toxic content as “The Blues Brothers” and may even be inspired to explore the new ideas that come to them, ideas that may not come from the pope’s mouth or the pages of the Bible.

I’m sure I have written things over the years that I regret now. That’s part of life and writing for a living–even something as ephemeral as a small weekly paper that nobody cares about outside of town.

As you get older, presumably you get wiser and you learn more things. You get a little more worldly and come to realize that the world doesn’t give a rip how you feel about this and that … nor should it. You also understand that you’re just one little person, and one little person can’t change the world. So you do what you can in your own little way by being a human being and treating other human beings with kindness and respect and love.

At times, that has led me towards the church. At other times, it has led be away from it.

Can’t say how “The Blues Brothers” has influenced your life. But it made my life a little happier. And I believe in happy.

Thoughts from an empty mind

Oof! Who turned on the heat!? Turn it off already!

Midsummer temperatures crashed into our area over the last few days. And how! Late last week, it got hot and humid, with highs in the upper 80s (31C) and humidity to match. We got to about 92 (33C) on Monday, and it’s going to be hot again on Tuesday. With this kind of heat now, you have to wonder what summer is going to be like.

(Luckily, the heat will ease off in time for our visitors’ arrival this weekend. Highs in the 70s and lows in the 40s.)

Last summer, it was relatively cool and dry most of the time, both days and nights, with no real hot spells or high humidity. Time will tell for this summer. Significantly, maybe, on Sunday afternoon my wife and I teamed up to wrestle the room air conditioner into position in the bedroom window … and we used it last night.

In 2009, the AC unit never left the bedroom closet.

****

I played a part in a pair of odd incidents over the weekend.

The first came early Saturday afternoon, when my wife asked me to help her out at church. She is a member of the church’s altar guild this month but couldn’t find anybody from her group to help out. I said OK.

The work involved making sure hymnals were pointing the right way (have done that before), changing the hymn numbers on the sign boards either side of the altar and changing the banners hanging from the front of the altar and pulpit for Pentecost Sunday. She did some other things, as well. As promised, it didn’t take very long–45 minutes, if that.

The other came Sunday night, just after I put her to bed in her air-conditioned bedroom. Each week at that time I count out my pills for the week and put them in those little segmented pill holders–my prescriptions, my daily baby aspirin and my daily multivitamin (senior edition). A normal Sunday night ritual that I want to complete before Charlie comes over to visit. Don’t really want the kitty to play with the pills.

I was in the bathroom, getting everything, when I heard shouting outside. I went to the window and looked. It was after 11 p.m., and things otherwise were quiet. I turned back, but then I heard it again.
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Squares and colors

The itch to visit a quilt show was scratched once again over the weekend, as my wife and I traveled to Iron Mountain (a mere 50 miles away) to see a small quilt show at the new community college there.

Of course, I took my camera along to document the occasion. Some of you, I’m sure, have never seen a small quilt show held at a new community college. So I took it upon myself, etc.

Here’s a literal overview of the event. It was taken from the railing looking over the stairway that connects both floors …

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Later, I’ll show you some quilts I liked. First, though, some of my anarchic reactions to what I saw.

What struck me most of all is how similar many of the quilts looked. For instance, look over those along the top railing on the other side. Not much variety. I took along my camera to get shots of entries I like (it helps pass the time), but there was so few quilts that anything but ordinary that I didn’t take many shots.

And I couldn’t help wondering: Do most quilters only aspire to make the same-old same-old? Sure, there were variations–colors, patterns, the stitching–but it comes down to the same quilt blocks being sewn together. Squares, squares and more squares. And so many of the quilts were done in earth tones–browns, tans, oranges. Some had so little contrast between the dark and light area that it was hard to make out the pattern.

What’s wrong with color? What’s wrong with bright, cheery, vivid, happy colors? That’s what I was wondering.

I also wondered: Do the dark, subdued shades these quilters chose for their creations mirror their personalities? And is that why I don’t see that many bright, cheery, vivid, happy people at quilt shows?

For myself, I like colors–the brighter and more vivid, the better. So yes, I have a distinct preference in this matter.

But there were some quilts that I liked, and here are some of them. This one is certainly colorful enough …

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And so is this one …

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If I want to get away from the land of squares, I could just ride away with this one …

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Here’s some fine stitching …

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A Northwoods scene captured on a pillow …

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And a genuine sewing cat depicted on a quilt …

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Of course, a sewing cat is something I get to see fairly often …

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One more thing to tell you about the trip. After the quilts and lunch, we went to the nursing home to visit my mom. But she wasn’t in her room. After a brief search, we found her–in a large activity room with about a dozen other residents. They were watching a movie. The movie was … “Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel.”

Should report them to the state for elder abuse?

Uncertain times

I don’t like living in uncertainty. Doesn’t matter: That’s where I live these days. Too many questions don’t have answers right now. Time will tell … but time’s not telling me. I’m not in on the secret. Wish I knew.

This post has been in the hopper for weeks, long enough for some of the concerns to resolve themselves and new ones to crop up.

Item 1: File under “resolved.” My wife wanted to take another bus tour, like her journey to Branson, Mo., early last fall. This time, she wanted to go to Nashville in mid-April. And she wanted me to come along.

I wasn’t so sure. I can take or leave country music. I like the old-timey stuff, with fiddles and steel guitars. “Modern country” doesn’t do it for me, especially when the entire string section gets in on the act. Fiddles are cool for country music. Violins aren’t. Besides that, it’s also the first week of the NHL playoffs. Maybe you know how I look forward to that.

I never had to decide. In the end, she decided “not this year.” That’s because of …

Item 2: My mom’s health is becoming a concern to the nursing home staff. During a recent visit, the head nurse asked me about “what-if” decisions if they can’t contact me. Should they (the nursing home) take her to the hospital in Iron Mountain (about five miles away) or keep her in her room, as comfortable and pain-free as they can? Because they can see her health is failing.

So can I, of course, especially since she broke her elbow last fall. She has worsened a lot since then. I have kept my thoughts to myself (outside of my wife, of course–and she agrees with my assessment). My mom has been at the nursing home for4 1/2 years now. If she makes it to late May, she will turn 88.

She surprised them by surviving her fall, and she is tough. But she is very frail now. She has been sleeping a lot, and it doesn’t take a lot of imagination to figure that one day she simply isn’t going to wake up.

But during our most recent visits, she seems more alert. It’s still very difficult to understand what she’s saying. But her mind still seems strong.

Item 3: I still have never taken that first ride in a jet. I thought I would do that this year. Now I’m not so sure. One reason is my mom. There’s another reason, too.

In mid December, I wrote to a friend of mine–we’re just friends with a common interest–and told her maybe this year I will finally fly out to California. I didn’t get a positive response. I got no response at all. We’re still friends, still talk online, but she has never mentioned that. Guessing and trying to read between the lines, I’m wondering if she and her former boyfriend are back together. If so, fine.

Meanwhile, my first flight will be … who knows?

Item 4: I just don’t know where I stand with B. We are friends, and we still write each other several times a week. We spent a couple days together last July, and I thought that went very well. But it’s nine months later; we haven’t seen each other since, and there are no plans.

I was B’s first polyamorous partner last summer, and she seems to have taken to it like a duck to water. She now has a friend in western Canada and one near Philadelphia. She has been with the Canadian guy twice, and her first visit with the guy near Philly was last week. (She had a medical appointment in Philly and took advantage of the opportunity.)

But as for her and I, right now we are just close friends who write e-mails. The e-mails are G-rated, mostly about what we’re doing. They were more naughty last year–if I showed you a typical e-mail from last year and an e-mail from recently, it’s easy to tell which is which.

Complicating factors: I don’t get many chances to travel because of my work demands, and her busy season at work is in June and July–no vacations or days off allowed during those months. We met last year because her work holidays during the Fourth of July weekend worked out right. This year, they didn’t. Such is fate.

I miss her. I enjoyed our time together last year. But it takes two to make a date. Will we ever meet again? I just don’t know. You know that it hurts. But, again, she is a good friend, and it seems like genuine friendship to me. So maybe I just have to try harder to be patient and accept the fact that our paths won’t be crossing again, at least for the foreseeable future.

Item 5: All of a sudden, another friend, S, is at a major crisis in her marriage. My wife and I have visited her and her husband several times in recent years, and they seemed to be getting along well. They have been married about 20 years.

But S is bisexual, and for some time she has wanted to add a second woman to her relationship. She recently met a woman that she gets along with very well–she’s bi and poly, just like her. But her husband is having major problems with it–he is very Christian, not a bit poly, and he and this other woman don’t get along. Unfortunately he has taken a hard stand: her or me. S has also taken a hard stand, and it isn’t looking good. She tells me things are very tense in their house now. They are both headstrong people, and that doesn’t help, either.

I tried to get her to cool off and think things through before making big decisions. I said pointedly that her husband and I are friends, too. I also said I would rather have them stay together than she and I resume our own relationship (which certainly becomes possible if they split). All the same, she is looking for an apartment for herself and her friend, and that’s how things stand now.

I’m an easy-going guy, and I think people should try to get along and not make trouble for themselves. But that’s just my philosophy, and I can’t live others’ lives for them. All anyone can do is shake my head sadly when people throw away happiness.

Item 6: I will be visiting my other friend, N, this week. The only question here is: What is she going to make for supper before we fire up the DVD player? We have a movie night together about once a month.

If you remember, N is a widow who is three years older than me, and she lives about 100 miles away with her rescue dogs. Quite independent. She enjoys making me dinner, and then we watch a movie or two. The next morning, I’m driving home, and normal life resumes for both of us.

****
We got back Saturday evening from our first mini-vacation in a while. My wife, my son and I went to the Green Bay area on Friday. The main reason was a big quilt show in Green Bay. This time, my son wanted to come along so he could hit some of his favorite stores and buy stuff. My role essentially was that of chauffeur.

It seems to have been a big success: My wife was very happy about the quilt show–she thought they did a really good job with exhibitors and vendors. She and I were able to stay in touch because she brought along her TracFone–when she was done at the quilt show, she called me.

As she studied the quilts and booths, my son and I made the rounds. We visited Best Buy, Target, a video exchange place and then the Green Bay Packers pro shop at Lambeau Field. He wasn’t shy about buying things, either. The phone rang while we were at the pro shop.

(I never entered the high school gym where the quilt show took place, so no quilt photos this time.)

As for myself, I invested in a CD by Bob Dylan and The Band. That’s all. I nearly bought a book about Adobe Photoshop Elements 8 when we visited the Barnes & Noble bookstore, but I finally left it behind. I have a book about PE4, which I was using on my old computer–I had PE8 included when I ordered the new one.

My highlight was bumping into Nick, our Olympian, at Best Buy. I had talked to him (on the phone) a few days earlier, and he said he would be in Green Bay, but bumping into him was just dumb luck. (We are arranging an interview about his experiences in Vancouver, now that he is back home.) He was in a rush, so we just talked just briefly–unfortunately, we saw each other a minute or two after my son and I separated after entering the store–he didn’t see Nick, who graduated from high school one year after him.

Talking about Best Buy … did you know there is also a Best Buy in the Iron Mountain area? It’s true–right on the highway, across the river from Michigan. Yellow and black sign and everything!

You don’t believe me? Suit yourself, but you can’t argue with pictures …

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My 2010 to-do list

It’s now 2010, and the holidays are over. We are officially in January. No question about it. Just look at your friendly neighborhood thermometer if you have any doubts.

This isn’t about resolutions. This is about plans. A to-do list. It’s getting filled up. Only thing is, where do I start?

In no particular order …

–It’s time for me to get another desktop computer. I made the decision a few months ago, but I opted to hold off on deciding the specs for it until after the hectic holidays. The hectic holidays are now history.

I think I got my present computer in early 2006–it’s a Windows XP machine. In the last few months, it has been developing more and more problems. When you turn it on, it takes 15 to 20 minutes before you can actually use it. That’s been the case for a while. It’s slow. Lately, it has had problems installing new software–the pop-up box claims that the downloaded file is corrupt. But the same file works on my other machines. Lots of old programs clutter up its hard drive and its registry–even those I got rid of long ago.

My older son has already put in a claim for the machine–wants to experiment, turning it into a server. I have two external hard drives, where the photo and music files are stored, so transferring that stuff shouldn’t be much of a challenge. As for everything else … it’s not going to take overnight.

First things first. I need to decide what specs I want, and then look to see what I can get for what price. My old one is a Dell. The one before that was an HP. Both developed problems as they got older. Computers seem to do that.

Not sure which brand I will get this time, but it will be a Windows 7 machine. That much is certain. I am nowhere near cool enough to even think of getting an Apple.

–Another thing is the big back-up. At times last year, I worked on copying all my old blog posts from efx2blogs.com. I hadn’t done that for a long time–just did a batch of them earlier today.

That has to be a priority item because hardly anyone is using efx2blogs.com, and when the current domain registry ends in March, I think it may go bye-bye forever. Keith, who used to run the place there, surfaced last spring just long enough to renew the registry and then disappeared again. Flyingdutchman.com.

I have 338 entries there (so they say), and I am copying them to my Blogger blog, one at a time. I still have 10 pages of listings to go. Once I finish copying them all to Blogger, I can import them over here. The photo links won’t work, but I don’t expect people to look at them anyway. Just for the archives. I spent a lot of time writing those posts, and I don’t want that “creativity” to be lost.

–My other big project is over here, at efx3. I don’t like that purple theme I now have, and I need to find a new one, a brighter one, one that can accommodate photos the width I like to post.

Once I look through all the efx3 themes–haven’t had a lot of time for that lately–and choose one I like, I’ll ask Welshpixie to make a few modifications to make it look the way I want (such as changing to the Georgia font and making the main display area wide enough). I tried doing that myself in the past, but it took a lot of time and was amateur work at best. Let’s call in the professionals and get the job done right.

Once it’s done, things will be much brighter and cheery over here. That cheery outlook then will help inspire me to write more and play around with more pictures from my many adventures. And misadventures.

Because I like to write over here … even if I haven’t done much of it in recent months. I also enjoy reading and commenting on others’ posts. Another thing I haven’t done a lot. Now is a good time to get back to that, too.

So I’m not going away. In fact, I’m coming back. That’s another item in my 2010 to-do list.

“60″ in the rear-view mirror

My wife and I had a nice holiday season with my son visiting from Detroit. He had a laptop nearby 24/7 because of his job–monitoring computers elsewhere. No problems on his watch.

We had a good time and watched a bunch of movies. “The Blues Brothers.” “Anvil”–he said I’d like it, and he was right. “Public Enemies” from 2009 and “Girl Shy” by Harold Lloyd from the 1920s.

When his younger brother came over, it became a Pinky and the Brain festival. The megalomaniacal mouse is unforgettable. As the snows fell and the winds blew it around, Brain keeps trying to take over the world. My older son said he’d have a lot better chance at success if his schemes weren’t so grandiose. But that wouldn’t be the Brain, would it?

I also passed a personal milestone. This one was marked with a two-digit number: 60. I drove past that little “60″ sign a week ago. Not that the world is any different on the other side. It’s almost identical. And I haven’t changed, either. I’m trying to take care of myself. For the most part, I’m doing OK.

Starting Friday, I will also be entering my eighth different decade. True, I was only in the 1940s for eight days. But it counts.

Passing that “60″ sign isn’t an achievement. To me, 60 is 59+1, just as 61 will be 60+1. But I notice that I am (ahem, yes) more aware of the ages of people in the obituaries and of others who aren’t feeling so well. I am. My back is in good shape, my legs are strong, I don’t have problems with my heart or lungs or stomach, I usually sleep well, my mind is strong, and I still enjoy sex. I am taking meds for high blood pressure. I weigh a little more than I would like (about 220), but I’m eating better and healthier than in the past–1% milk, whole grain breads, not as much caffeine or sugar. Never had to worry about quitting smoking.

So I think I’ll be around for a while yet. My hair is gray in only a few places, and I still have nearly all of it–and it still grows thickly. I also feel I have gotten wiser over time. Not as impatient as I used to be. Better able to accept things and people the way they are, not as I want them to be.

The key to that was learning to love myself the way I am, and then feeling free to love others they way they are. I grew in new ways–I learned about neopaganism and polyamory, met some wonderful new friends and new ways of living. I didn’t do this to reject my past. It’s adding to my life, not replacing other parts. I did it to discover new worlds and become a better, more happier human being. That’s what it’s all about, isn’t it?

Really, these last few years have been wonderful for me. I don’t get as much free time as I want, and that really bothers me at times. But I am growing and becoming a better person.

So when I drove past that “60″ sign, it was a non-event. I am what I am. I enjoy life, and I am happy.

The event went virtually unnoticed at home. My wife made ravioli for supper that night, which my older son and I both enjoy. That was about it.

But I did get some gifts from B in that “treasure chest” she sent me. I finally opened it. What did I find inside?

I got a variety of Alaskan syrups, most of which I had never heard of before (“lingonberry”? “salmonberry”?). I got some Alaskan preserves, for sandwiches and such. She sent a few DVDs she had made herself from their recorder–a couple movies and documentaries. She sent me a Deepak Chopra book on CD (“Ageless Body, Timeless Mind”) about growing older and presumably better.

She also sent me “Santa Claus Blues.” This was a real surprise and the biggest treat.

“Santa Claus Blues” is a CD collection of Christmas-themed Big Band music put out by Canada’s Jass Records in the late ’80s or early ’90s. Jass released a series of very interesting CDs before the company disappeared, and I had the foresight to grab many of them when I saw them. Many were sex-inspired, some were drug-themed, and some had to do with holidays. All feature music and musicians from the ’20s, ’30s and ’40s.

Among their CDs was “Halloween Stomp,” which I copied and sent to B this fall. Halloween-style music from the ’30s and ’40s, plus short clips from cartoons of the era. Great fun to listen to. I may have mentioned to her that Jass had released a Christmas CD also, and I think I saw it one time, but I opted for the Halloween CD … and had been fruitlessly looking for it ever since.

She managed to find it. I’m impressed.

****
The holidays are not quite over. For New Year’s Eve, my wife and I will stay home and watch a couple movies and maybe enjoy a little wine. We’ll stay up till just after 11 p.m. (Central Time), to watch the merriment on Times Square, and then it’s off to bed for us. Yeah, we lead a wild life.

On Friday, my wife watches the Rose Parade, I watch a little of the the Holiday Classic hockey game from Boston, and then we get in the car and drive to visit her sisters and brothers for a couple days. We drive back Sunday. The weather is expected to be quite cold–subzero at night, not much above zero during the day.

Better make sure the Ipod is charged up.

Waiting for something good

There is a saying … something along the lines of “Fatigue makes cowards of us all.” I think Vince Lombardi is credited with it.

He was probably referring to football, but I guess it applies to other aspects of life as well. I’ve been feeling really tired lately, and I haven’t exactly been feeling brave and bold, either. Coincidence?

Some things have been bothering me that I know shouldn’t be. It’s that simple. I’ve been tired lately, and I haven’t been able to turn off the worry and fears. Where is that switch, anyhow?

Emotions are mixed up. Maybe my mood will be better in a little while. Some things I’m trying to do feel a lot like banging my head against the wall. I’m so impatient for something good to happen to me. And I am trying my hardest. But that effort hasn’t made any difference. When I work hard at something and see those efforts fail, I tend to get disappointed and depressed. So that’s where I’ve been at.

Maybe I ought to be more relaxed about things, let go and take a “whatever!” attitude. But that isn’t easy for me, especially when it really matters to me.

If you don’t know (if you are fairly new to my writings), be advised that I can throw as good a pity party for myself as anybody. I really can. Take some weariness, mix in discouragement, stir in impatience, put it in a 300-degree oven for 20 mintues, and it’s ready.

At those times I tend to forget a few things. Or I focus on some things and forget about others.

I tend to forget that I am the only one responsible for my own happiness. Nobody else is–just me. So if I’m going to be happy, it’s all up to me. What I need to do is reflect on the good things and not worry about the others. Change what I can do something about. Accept what I can’t do anything about. Be wise enough to know the difference.

If you have been following along, you know a few of these concerns already. The canceled weekend planned with B. The work load all summer (supposedly my slow time of the year). The house that hasn’t sold.

I can tell you a few more. A big one is my late aunt’s nephew, who was the executor of her estate … and who evidently has embezzled a lot of the money. He is facing criminal charges now but pleaded not guilty at the arraignment, which drags out the whole process further. My aunt died in the first weeks of 2007. The trial won’t be until the spring of 2010. Sentencing may be in the summer. Restitution to the estate: who knows? Will I live that long?

Then … I’d like to get another car. I’ve had my present car for six years now, and it has 166K on it. That’s 267K kilometers. But it’s still doing well, still gets pretty good gas mileage. And still is just as small as it’s ever been. Until my aunt’s estate gets settled or my mom’s house sells, though, I won’t be in the market. Not that I’m planning to spend a lot, either.

(By the way, Cash for Clunkers doesn’t apply to vehicles that still get about 36 mpg.)

There’s one more I could tell you about. But I sure don’t want to scandalize all of you by telling you about my search for a special friend, one who lives close enough that I could visit her once in a while–every month, more or less.

I am searching. I am trying. I know she must be out there. But I don’t want to upset those of you who hold fast to traditional beliefs on marriage, so I won’t tell you about that.

****
My wife and I took a mini-vacation trip last week. Photos and stories to come. We went to some odd places and had one really odd adventure involving my cell phone.

But it’s late and I’m tired. Time to post this and get some sleep. After all, isn’t it the lack of sleep that is at the crux of all this?

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